My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
