I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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