He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize