this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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