my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
