Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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