9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
