The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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