If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
We have started to decorate penises.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
