Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
The struggles of a small town man whore
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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