Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize