Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
