Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Randomize