Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
