Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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