omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
