you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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