i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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