The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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