Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
