he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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