Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
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