how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
