i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
