tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
