She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
