I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I can't put those talents on a resume
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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