I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He shit in the fireplace
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
