The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize