I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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