I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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