just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
