Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
It's not a walk of shame if you run
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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