can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
