What did we do last night that was yellow?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
