The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
