A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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