please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
