Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
