I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
