I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
