i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Randomize
