just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
