im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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