either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize