dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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