The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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