I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
