just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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