Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
