I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
