I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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