Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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