If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize