Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
