we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
