you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize