I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
